Balle Kumar's Universe

Genie:  Main sultan tha aur mera ek vazir tha. Woh vazir meri gaddi chinna chahta tha. Ek baar jab main punjab se gujar rahan tha toh meri nazar ek khoobsoorat haseena par padi. Uska naam tha phulki kaur. Jab mein usse tad rahan tha tabhi uska bhai sukvinder singh mujhe tad rahan tha. Maine ladki ka haath manga aur uske bhai ne toorant haan bol di. Shaadi ki raat jab maine ghoongat uthaya toh ander maine phulki ke noorani chehre ko chodh ke sukhvinder ka khaufnaak chehraa dekha.

Sukhvinder: Mere saath aaj tu raat nahin bitayega , tere saath mein bitaunga.

Genie: Par Aap ne joh kahan usme kya difference hain.

Sukhvinder: Difference logon ko kal subah tujh me dikhayi dega.

Genie: Yaa khuda!!

Sukhvinder: Chal aaja.

Genie: Nahinn….khuda ke liye mujhe chodh do

Sukhvinder: Chodhna hota toh shaadi kyu karta. 

Genie: Jara socho , tum mard ho aur mein mard , yeh galat hain

Sukhvinder: Dekho pyar dosti ka agla shikr hain. Agar mard mard mein dosti ho sakti hain toh pyar kyu nahin ho sakta. Agar pyar ho sakta hain toh pyar kar kyu nahin sakte. Pyar mein sahi , galat nahin hota. Now come on.

Genie: Use protection please!!

Sukhvinder: Protection ki kya jaroorat , mere hote hue tumhara koi kuch nahin bigadh sakta.

Genie: Nahin.. dekho mujhe chodh do aur joh chahihe woh le lo.

Sukhvinder: OK. Yeh loh power of attorney ke papers. Aaj mein Sultan aur tu Ghulam.

Genie(signs the papers): OK. Ab mein jaauu.

Sukhvinder: Haan chal aur ander sarbat bhej. Kaal subah 7 baje tu mujhe dekhna chahihe, chay ke saath. Naukar kahike.

Genie: Okk

Genie: Ek din maine murge ko kaatne ke liye apna chaku uske gardan par rakha toh murga cheekh utha. Maine turn hoke dekha ki kahin sukhwinder kitchen mein akke ventriloquism kar toh nahin raha. Par koi nahin tha.

Murga: meri jaan mat lo

Genie: Tu bolta bhi hain.

Murga: Haan esne hairangee kya baat. Merey maalik ke paas ke saare janvar baat karte hain. Main shayri bhi karta hoon. 

Genie: Kaise?

Murga: Mein mashoor jadugaar Shamsad ka murga hu. I can talk and i am also poet. 

Genie: Maine usse poocha ki tu yahan kaise.

Murga: Yeh ek lambi kahani hain. Kya app ke paas time hain?

Genie: Haan bol saale. Pakayega toh gardan kaanth dunga.

Murga: Mujhe ganje ka bada shauk tha aur jadugar jee ka ganje ka side business tha. Pehle toh woh mujhe kaam ke badle mein thoda thoda ganja de dete the par mujhe jyada ki jarurat thi. Jadugar ne mujhe kahan ki tu meri biwi padma champa par jasoosi karna.

Genie: Padma champa , ek thi ya do thi

Murga: Woh actually siamese twins . Jadugaar jee bade shaukin , do biwiyan afford nahin kar pate esliye unhone aise shaadi kar lee. 

Genie: Ok. got it. continue.

Murga: Toh joh champa thi uska dil pados ke actor pappu par agaya aur padma thodi loyal thi par woh kya karti? Usne bhi bahti ganga mein haath dhona chalu kiya.

Genie: Phir kya hua?

Murga: Jadugaar ne actor pappu ko ek bade se tower mein bandh kar diye. Par pappu ke lambe baal the aur unko woh neeche dalta tha aur padma champa uspar chadkar usse milti thi. Meine es mel milap ka mms nikala aur mein jadugar ke paas jaaane laga. etne mein mujhe majid,sajid aur salma dikhe.

Genie: Yeh kaun hain?

Murga: Majid aur sajid murge hain and salma obviously murgi. Woh merey shayri ke bade fan the. Unhone mujhse shayri poochi aur mere muh se nikala.

Jaise hi meri muh se yeh nikala woh teenon kuch kuch baat samjhe. Unhone behla fusla kar mujhse saari baat jaan li.

Ab salma rehti thi aslam ke saath par anda diya omar ka. Yeh baat meine aslam ko batai aur usse bade fatke pade thi.

Eska inteqam woh lena chahti thi. Meine ek mms jadugar ko dikhaya aur jadugar ne mera mms jahan pe un teenon ko information de rahn woh mujhe dikhaya. Salma ne revenge le liya. Jadugar ne padma – champa ki pitai ki aur pappu ke baal kat diye aur mujhe bazaar mein bech diya, taki log mujhe kaat ke khaye. Yeh hain meri dukh bhari kahani ..

Genie: Tu mujhe jadugaar ke paas le chal

Murga: Woh mujhe maar dega.

Genie: Toh mein tujhe abhi maar dunga

Murga: Maar do, mujhe jadugaar gadha bana dega

Genie: Usse kya farak padta

Murga: Murge ko koi kaam nahin hota. Bas apni jaan bachao, daru pio and murgiyon pe line maro. Gadhe ko duniya ka boj uthana padata hain.

Genie (apne jeb mein haath dalte hue): Arre yeh kya hain.. ganja .. woh bhi accche quality kaa.

Murga: Kahan kahan mujhe de do. ek baar please.

Genie: Nahin 

Murga: Please de do

Genie: Tu mujhe le chal. Mein tujhe ganje ka pahad de dunga.

Murga: Sacchi

Genie: Murgi ki kasam!!!

Murga: okk.. lets go.

Genie: salaam sir, kaise ho

Jadugaar: yeh kavva kya kar rahan hain tere saath

Genie: sir yeh murga hain

Jadugar: abe yeh kashmiri kavva hain. kashmir ke kavve haseen hote hain and chust hote hain. ud nahin pate,

Genie: ok

Jadugar: yeh murge ke garan mein mured dunga.

Genie: nahin , i have deal which you may not refuse

Jadugar: ok. which website?

Genie: ok listen dude.

Murga: hindi main.

Genie: ok. pehle main tumhe apni kahani bataunga. kaan age lao.

Jadugar: mujhe pata hain tu sultan hain. remember i am jadugar.

Genie: toh tumhe meri deal bhi pata hogi

Jadugar: haan

Genie: meri madat karo

Jadugar: haan magar us vazir aur raja ki kut lagane ke powerful magic

Genie: app unpe black magic karon

Jadugar: arre joh dil se etne kale hote hain un par black magic kaam nahin karta , ulta unki madat karta hain

Genie: toh kya?

Jadugar: jinn unki maa le sakta hain

Genie: tu bulao jinn

Jadugar: abe mein jinn bula pata tu ess murge ke saath aur padma-champa ke saath rehta. kaisi jahil jaisi baat karte ho. tumhe sultan kisne banaya.

Genie: to kya kare

Jadugar: agar tum jinn bannke ko tayar ho toh unki lagayi jaa sakti hain

Genie: haan mein hu

Jadugar: suno phir tumhe tab tak jinn rehna padega jab tak tumhara koi aaka tumhe aazad na kar de

Genie: ok mein jinn ban jaunga , tum mere aaaka banna. agar tumne mujhe nahin azad kiya toh mein tumhe maar dunga. mujhse thode kaam karva lena chahihe toh.

Jadugar: ok. please sign on these papers after reading the terms and condition.

Genie: ok.

Jadugar: har genie ko kisi lote, macchis ki dibbi ya fir chirag mein ghus ke rehna padta hain

Genie: kyu

Jadugar: mere ko nahin pata. yeh “genies for dummies” mein likha gaya hain. tu select kar.

Genie: mein chirag mein rahunga

Murga: sir aap lota select kijeye, lota har admi use karta hain, chirag ka kya bharosa.

Genie: chup be murge. ganja khake tera dimak ganda ho gaya hain.

Jadugur: yeh mantar bolte hi tu jinni ban jayega.

Genie: ok

(gust of wind and so on other special effects .. in a nutshell the genie becomes the genie)

Genie: heh i am in this lamp. and it is sort of dark around here.

Murga: jadugar jee , esse bahar nikaliye

Genie comes out and says: kya hukum hain mere aaaka

Jadugar: Us sukhwinder aur vazir ko bhais banado

Genie: joh hukum hain mere akkaa

Genie : kyu vazir aur sukhwinder , mujhe pehchana

Buffaloes: yeh kya ho gaya. hume maaf kar do.

Genie: maaf kar du, main tumhe kasai ke paas bhejunga

Murga: main leke jaata hu

Genie: abbe murge tu kasi ke paas jayega toh woh teri biryani banayega. mein unhe jadu se bhejta hu.

Jadugar: wah wah sab kuch kitna fast hua. so now we have time for a song.

Genie: ok. i will bring girls.

Jadugar: nahin mein patni vrata. tum champa padma ko alag kardo aur actor pappu ko ladki banake meri tisri biwi bana do. saara problem solve ho jayega. uparse majaa ayega. make them dance.

Genie: aur edhar hi mere se galti ho gayi. jaise hi gaane ka tempo badhne lag gaya aur ladkiyon ke thumke badhne lag gaye vaise hi buddhe jadugar ki dhadkan tej hone lag gayi. woh usse gaane mein dil ka daura padne ke karan maar gaya. use marte dekh woh teen ladkiyan bhag gayi. aur mein lamp ke bahar latak gaya. main murge ko poocha, ki ab kya kare toh murge ne ‘kookud ku’ bola. ab mujhe pata chala ki murge ki awaaz jadugar ki maut ke saath chali gayi. mein udaas ho gaya aur murge ko leke eess chirag mein baith gaya .. ki koi usse rub kare aur mujhe bulaye.

Inspector kadam: toh kisini ne bulaya

Genie: sirf ek baar ek bhikshu ne bulaya. meine puccha tum apni eecha batao toh ussne kahan eecha buri cheez , usne mujhe is chirag mein bhejkar , kahin paani fek diya. mein ganga mein beh rahan tha , tab alladin wahan nahan rahan tha.

mein uske haath mein aa pahucha.

Inspector kadam: chal story mujhe lagi. tujhe lambi saja dilwaunga taki tu humari roz entertainment kare. chal aa humare saath.

Alladin (who was hiding and watching all this): thehro yeh injustics hain , yeh mera chirag hain.