Archive for June 2012
Kumar: Welcome Sir, Welcome Sir .. Welcome to the Indian Universe
Traveller: Ohh!! Thank you.
Kumar: What would you like to have Sir? Tea , Coffee, Cold Tea , Hot Tea, Hot Coffee, Cold Water ..
Traveller: Ohh!! Nothing.
Kumar: No, you should have something.
Kumar: Sir, would you like to have Coconut Juice.
Kumar: Not Available Sir. Will you have tea instead.
Traveller: Ok. Please give me tea.
Kumar: Here is tea, Sir.
Traveller: So you had the tea already made.
Kumar: Yes Sir.
Traveller: Then why did you offer me so many choices. I bet you only had tea.
Kumar: Very clever Sir. Choice is an illusion Sir.
Traveller: Ok. How much for the tea?
Kumar: Tea is complementary with your stay Sir.
Traveller: But I am not going to stay.
Kumar: Sir, from the window you will see Taj Mahal.
Traveller: Wow. Really. Then I will stay.
Kumar (looks at his ipad): Sir, you are late. The last room is taken Sir.
Kumar: I can arrange your stay in my brother’s hotel. A little costly ..
Traveller: Ok. You got me. You have my business.
Kumar: Thank you Sir.
Traveller: Now tell me Sir, what do you have here?
Kumar: What do you need Sir?
Traveller: I want to see the Universe
Kumar: Sure , please come with me. Mind the cow.
Traveller: What is this cow doing here in between?
Kumar: In our Universe cows have equal rights as men have. She is just listening to our conversation.
Kumar: Don’t worry Sir she doesn’t understand a thing.
Traveller: Ok. What is the speciality of this Universe?
Kumar: Our Universe is special only because of the prople of this Universe.
Kumar: First let me take to the temple of the Great God Errie Appan.
Traveller: Who is that?
Kumar: He is the greatest god , greater than all other gods.
Traveller: There is only one God.
Kumar: Did you meet him?
Kumar: Are you sure that he exists
Traveller: I am not sure.
Kumar: So when we don’t know whether God exists or not than why are we confident that there is only one god , may be there are many.
Traveller: Makes sense
Kumar: In Indian Universe everyone makes sense , we have democracy here. We listen to every one.
Traveller: Okk what about Errie Appan
Kumar: Say Lord Errie Appan.
Traveller: No I won’t
Kumar: Ok. No problem. Gaurds!!
Kumar: Escort this gentleman out of this universe and make sure that he pays for the reservation of the room.
Traveller: Ok. Lord Errie Appan!!
Kumar: The great Lord sits on Dina Asura (Asura : demon in Indian)
Traveller: Do you call Dinosaur as Dina Asura?
Kumar: No you call DINA ASURA as Dinosaur.
Kumar: Take the Lords blessings
Kumar: Now you see your stay would be so nice.
Traveller: Tell me something. What do you have here?
Kumar: Ohh Okk!! We have people
Traveller: Something to see, some attractions
Kumar: The unique thing about our Universe is that we don’t have any attraction. Our people attract attention wherever they go.
Kumar: Like in your Universe Jesus got crucified himself to save humanity.
Kumar: In our Universe we crucify every one to save money.
Traveller: But why?
Kumar: You must have heard the idiom “Save for the rainy day”
Kumar: Here it rains very often and so we need to save very often
Traveller: Interesting. What other things do you people have?
Kumar: We love to stare
Traveller: What? Is that good.
Kumar: Its very good. If you know that everyone else is staring at you , you would think twice before commiting any crime
Kumar: So we have no crime.
Kumar: We have no rules in this Universe
Traveller: Now how is that good.
Kumar: It is very good. If there are rules then people break them but if there aren’t any then people maintain control
Traveller: Whatever? What do you all do?
Kumar: We all act in films.
Kumar: We love films. We love to be in them , watch them , trash them , burn them. Every one of us is a film buff
Kumar: So as our films are 10 hrs each , we don’t have time to do anything else.
Traveller: And what else?
Kumar: Rest of the time we are eating. The men generally do the house work and women generally inspect the work done.
Kumar: Real peace.
Traveller: I want to see Taj Mahal
Kumar: Wow Taj Mahal epitomizes the spirit of India
Kumar: In all the Universe a woman can only make the man spend till she is alive but here the queen bankrupted him after her death also.
Traveller: Look I need to hurry up and leave.
Kumar: Wait let me take a photo with you!!
Kumar: Hail Lord Errie Appan
Traveller: Hail Lord Errie Appan. Sitting on a Dina Asura. The creature has left your god but your god still has you ..
President: I have a brilliant idea
Adviser: As always , you always have brilliant ideas. You just don’t need us do you?
President: Even you have ideas sometimes just that they are not that illuminating
President: Bright!! See I didn’t want to hurt your feeling so I used the word “Illuminating”
Adviser: What is it?
President: I am thinking of granting all Indians in USA , the citizenship
President: I am planning to get a million or so from India too.
Adviser: So nice of you, they will be very happy. So you wish to improve the relantioship of this country with India.
President: That is all you can think of. Our relationship is good with all countries.
Adviser: Yes our battleships and bases ensure that ..
President:Yes , but this is my master plan
Adviser: I am all ears.
President: So if the Indians get citizenship they will all settle on the Coast.
Adviser:: Yes, that is where the jobs are
President: So within a year or so there would be only Indians on the coast.
Adviser: Yes , Of Course. But what would that accomplish?
President: So when the Chinese ships land on our coast to invade us they will find Indians there.
Adviser: Yes , they will…
President: So the Chinese will think they crossed all these oceans and took this trouble to invade India when it is right across the mountains..
Adviser: So ..
President: The Chinese government would hang their military leaders for the botched operation and we will be victorious.
Adviser: Yes , with people at the helm our country is safe. You are great Mr President.
President: I know , I know ..
Priest: Why are you crying son?
Tortoise: Father , I am a sinner
Priest: No , Son , you are a winner. You won the race.
Tortoise: No father , I am a sinner
Priest: You beat that hare against such heavy odds. I must insist you are a WINNER.
Tortoise: I didn’t want to run the race.
Priest: Son , but you did and we are glad that you did. The hare was so full of himself. Now see he ran off, he didn’t even bother to come to the congratulate you.
Tortoise: He didn’t come because he can’t.
Priest: Ohh yes I heard the cops have filed a MISSING Report on him.
Tortoise: My father was a car salesman and he used to visit places.
Priest: Yes. Go On.
Tortoise: My father was a nudists and so occasionally used to come out of the shell. After the death of my mother he fancied on my neighbor and so he used to come out of shell whenever she is around. But he didn’t know that the eagle is also watching him.. So once one day when he slipped out of his shell the eagle took ..
Priest: Enough. Why do you want to tell all this? This is celebration time ..
Tortoise: After my father died I was in grief and to add to my gried this hare came. I don’t know from where and he claimed to be my brother. He said that my father was his father too. He showed me some photos of him , his mother who was a hare and my father , but I didn’t believe him ..
Priest: No one did ..
Tortoise: He showed the will signed by my father and my house was his in it ..
Priest: Yes I saw it ..
Tortoise: I told him I will take him to court and he said that real men fight it out. As both of us are timid
we decided upon a race..
Priest: What made you agree to a race?
Tortoise: I was drunk ..
Priest: So then what happened?
Tortoise: My friend Jacob ..
Priest: That Snake.. you should not hang around, he was just sneaky
Tortoise: The snake told me he will take care of the hare and I would win ..
Priest: I am all ears ..
Tortoise: I thought that the snake will frighten the hare or tie him up..
Priest: So what did the snake do ..
Tortoise: He swallowed the hare..
Tortoise: The hare became confident and when he saw me behind he took a nap below a tree. The snake went to tie him up but just swallowed him.
Priest: That is why there is no dead body even if he is dead.
Tortoise: So I won the race and the snake never told me how he managed to keep the hare away from winning. But I saw the snake frigthened after that and one day when the snake was drunk I asked him as to what is bothering. He told me that he ate the hare and now he seeing the ghost of the hare everywhere ..
Priest: What did you do then?
Tortoise: Before I could react .. the snake had committed suicide by hanging from the tree.
Priest: So ..
Tortoise: Now I see the ghost too.. please make it go away.
Priest (comes out of the confession box): Get up tortoise..
Priest: Yes , your snake tried to commit suicide but stopped him from doing so. He confessed to everything and we wanted to check whether you are also inovlved..
Tortoise: So the ghost ..
Priest: It is not difficult to find similar looking hare. We told another hare to act like ghost and frighten the snake ..
Tortoise: But how did you know that the snake did something ..
Priest: OK!! the snake told every one in the forest when he was drunk that he swalloed the hare and the tortoise is a looser !!
All you guys
Suno Chennai Ga Ganna
Tu Hain Desi Murga
Aur Main Degi Tujhko Daana
Main Vaa Bolungi
Toh Tum Chale Aane
Main Poda Bolungi Toh
Toh Tum Chale Jaana
Appa Bola Mera
Boys Bada Clever
Line Mare Mujhpe
Mere Didi Ka Devar
Fanatic: Sir , welcome to the Fanatic’s Universe
Traveller: Thank you.
Fanatic: Would you like to have coffee?
Tarveller: No. Thanks for the offer.
Fanatic(yells): Kill this Infidel.
Fanatic: Relax it is joke.
Fanatic: We don’t kill people just because they refuse our coffee.
Fanatic: Now it would have been different if you would have refused our tea.
Traveller: ok!! (This looks good)
Fanatic: Sir , don’t touch any thing without asking me. If any thing explodes then don’t blame we
didn’t warn you.
Traveller: So what does your Universe have?
Traveller: Well. Things look peaceful for sure.
Fanatic: Our Universe is an abode of peace. No wars, no strifes , no conflicts …
Traveller: How did you achieve that?
Fanatic: It was very difficult you see. We had to struggle..
Traveller: Tell me more.
Fanatic: You see God created this Universe and just asked one thing from us.
Fanatic: To believe that he exists. But you know what everyone started believing that he exist.
Traveller: That’s what God wanted.
Fanatic: Yes. But when everyone is a believer and believes in one thing than the belief is no longer a belief
but becomes a fact.
Fanatic: So when God does exists becomes a fact then there is no question of belief any longer.
Fanatic: So we were not doing the only thing that God wants us to do and that is to believe in him.
Traveller: I am sort of not getting you. So how is that related to peace.
Fanatic: So what happened is that some great people like me decided that there should be a group of people
who should not believe in God.
Fanatic: So we asked half of the people to go to the other side of the Universe and start not beleieving in God.
Traveller: Why would you do that?
Fanatic: So that the other half can become believers.
Traveller: Then, what happens about the other half who are not.
Fanatic: We rotate. Sometimes we are believers and sometimes they are.
Traveller: So people just agree to switch from believer to non believer
Fanatic: No, they don’t. Thats why I told you not to touch anything without asking me
Traveller: So , I didn’t get it
Fanatic: Yes we fight, We bomb each other.
Traveller: Did you fight before you people split up?
Traveller: Then, you had peace then and not now.
Fanatic: Exactly there is where you don’t understand us.
Traveller: Please explain
Fanatic: When every one was a believer then then God became a fact and so there was no question of belief.
So we didn’t have MENTAL PEACE , but yes peace was there on the outside but it didn’t percolate inside.
Now we fight but we have mental peace , the believers fight to stay believer and so have mental peace
and the non believers fight to become believers and so they have mental peace.
Traveller: I can’t believer this.
Fanatic: Wait till you believe this. We further have split a portion of believers who side with the non – believers
and a portion of the non – believers who secretly side with the believers and so that adds a spice to wht fight.
We fight within ourself .. oh what anoble thing to do..
Traveller: I am becoming late, I must leave now..
Fanatic: Wait are you a believer or non believer
Traveller: Which part of Universe it is?
Fanatic(smiling): I won’t tell you.
Fanatic: KILL HIM!!
Traveller: What? No?
Fanatic: This is the Non Believer side of Universe
Traveller: Please leave me
Fanatic: Don’t worry , we are from the faction of beleivers who tilt towards believer.
Traveller: Ohh!! Thanks.
Fanatic: Got you.
Traveller: I almost forgot about the factions.
Fanatic: You should listen to us. You don’t listen.
Traveller: I will remember
Fanatic: Remember all a fanatic wants is peace
Traveller: Yes on your own terms..
Bob: Why does Rose like you and not me?
Martin: Because no body likes you. So also Rose doesn’t like you. Can’t you figure that one out by yourself?
Bob: No tell me, what does she see in you.
Bob:But we are twins
Martin: Then may be my dressing sense
Bob: But mom buys the same clothes for us
Martin: Precisely and i dont wear them and u do
Bob: No i am serious , i dont think she is that shallow
Martin: No trust me she is deep.. i mean deep down there is a heart
Bob:I want to know ur secret
Martin: My personality
Martin: I am confident and you are not.
Bob: But we are twins, we have the same genes and we have the same environment , so by nature and nurture we should have the same personality.
Martin: No its all about choice, i am in to sports and you are in to books.
Bob: So u mean girls don’t like the boys who read books.
Martin: I didn’t say that. even if u get in to sports , girls wont like u.
Bob: Exactly and why are u so confident?
Martin: Because i am special, through out our childhood there was an emphasis that we are same but i knew that I am special.
Bob: I am special too.
Martin: But Rose doesn’t think so. She only likes me. She tells me “Hey Martin!! I am thirsty today, what Martini do you have?”
Bob: I don’t know what is so special about you, we are twins right till the toe.
Martin: I sound better than you, I have fun things to talk and so women think I have fun things do
and we do fun things together. No one likes you.
Bob: That’s not possible people can’t differentiate between you and me while talking on phone. If you were considered as the class clown then I was the clown in the college. So we both are fun..
Martin: Look why don’t you ask this to Rose? She doesn’t like you.
Bob: No , you don’t like me. Why?
Martin: I don’t like you at all. From my childhood, I had to share everything with you. You took the space in my photos, even on my birthday I got half the gifts I should have got. Even our clothes were the same and it pissed me off. I am replaceable to your word because a copy exists. I hate you..
Bob: Thats what I wanted to know. Look at these photos( shows him)
Martin: Well that Bobby, Rose’s brother and you. Wait why are you both not wearing anything?
What are you doing down there? Shit .. so you are in to..
Bob:Yes I have slept with all the guys in the town and now who is special..
Martin: Since when
Bob: Since I started eating Sushi and you threw up.
Martin: What does that have to do with all this?
Bob: I realized that Sushi is all about ACQUIRED TASTE and so experimented.
Martin: So that why I get all these calls at late night.
Bob:Yes, I told them your name and gave them your number.
Bob: I hate you more than you imagine. I have asked my friends to abduct me .. to make me feel good. So now be careful while being out .. But may be your Martini might have got over so this will replenish it.
Martin: Why? Look I am sorry
Bob: Too late, never mess with your twin. This is the “REVENGE OF TWIN”
Kranti Lao Kranti Lao
Kranti Nahin Toh Shanti Lao
Khub Khao Aur Khilvao
Humare Liye Vote Karo Aur Karvao
Hum Tumhare, Tum Humhare.
Biwi Tumhari, Vote Humara.
Tare Tumhare, Kismat Humhari.
Paise Tumhare, Jeb Humari.
Bacche Humhare, Naam Tumhara.
——————–Neta: Tinu Lal
——————– Party: Mantar Party